Sunday, September 21, 2008

A little suffering, a lot of sin

Why is it that I am so bad at suffering? After one week of intense sickness with the baby, I want the world to stop, everyone to take note and someone to award me a girl scout badge for persevering. That is another sickness within itself. As if I didnt have enough to deal with - I have to deal with me and my sin, too. And zofran doesn't help that - not even on a good day. 

This morning at church, we talked about Noah. Genesis simply tells us that God told Noah what would happen (judgment in the form of a flood) and he told him what to do (build a boat). "And Noah did everything just as God commanded him" (Gen 6:22) Wow. Noah did everything just as God commanded him. 100%. I would be scared to know what percent of the time I am doing everything just as God commanded me. 

Am I doing anything as God commanded me in my present circumstances? Definitely not 100% - and my circumstances are not even outrageous or tragic. God did not even tell me anything seemingly impossible. He told me I was going to have a baby. No one is ridiculing me or thinks I am crazy. I am not having to devote 120 years to building a massive boat while onlookers scoff. I am simply pregnant. But, yet, in my more-than-normal, happens-every-day circumstance, I cannot even manage to obey any of the commands God has given to me. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" (James 1:2-3) This is not my first thought when I see my food hours after I ate it. This is not my second or third or fifteenth thought when it gets so bad that I have an iv put in my arm to rehydrate me. 

But despite my lack of faith, God still remains faithful. I can identify with Moses. When God called him to deliver the Israelites by approaching a hateful king with demands to free his slaves, Moses responded with fear and doubt. God responded with patience, love and faithfulness "I will be with you..." (Exodus 3:11)

I know very well that it might be 200 days until I feel good again. It might be April before I get true relief or a sense of normalcy. That is enough to make me not want to get out of bed some days, but God reassures me "I will be with you." Does that fix the problem? No, I most likely have more suffering ahead. Does it make it bearable? Yes. 

But take that even a step further. Paul did not just bear his suffering. He spread the gospel while he suffered greatly. We know he endured shipwrecks, nights on the open sea (think sharks, storms, etc), imprisonment, beatings so bad that he was left one step from death's door. Yet he thought more about spreading the gospel that his own suffering. On my best, most Christian day in Paul's shoes, I would be huddled in the corner praying that God would just get me through. Not Paul. He was preaching. "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To Him be the glory..." (2 Timothy 4:17-18)

Lord, help me to be like Noah and do as you command. Help me to be like Moses and look to your faithfulness instead of my doubts and fears. Help me to be like Paul, who in the midst of suffering still held your gospel as his greatest concern. 

Friday, July 4, 2008

The Book Yet to Be Written

I have thought many times about sitting and writing a book - but where to start and how to finish and what to put in the middle? :) All pressing questions that I seem never to have the time or energy to answer. It seems, for now, a blog might be the answer. No need for character development. No requirement for plot. No chapter sequence. No logical order. No slavery to grammar. No submitting myself to the judgment of editors and publishing companies. Just my words and the fun of knowing that they will at least look somewhat professional and published in their typed and ordered bloggish way. So here is the birth of my "book." Let it go where it will, but most of all, let me enjoy the process of telling the stories waiting to be on the page - simple experiences of everyday life, random thoughts on a sleepless night, the record of a heart touched by the grace this life affords me.